Reshaping

Those of you close to me, this is a warning. Pick up your toes lest they be stepped upon. I love you all but this is my blog and you read my thoughts at your own risk.

I have to remember that changes come in cascades. When one thing changes (me) it has a tumble down effect on everything around it (you). Of course the effect is cumulative, each change creates another change add infinitum.

Yes it was my RL birthday yesterday. Thank you all very much for remembering me, I'm truly touched and made happy by your love. However, I am Domme now, please show me some respect and put the paddles away. So I'm a spoilsport, I'm sorry. (Yes, there was more than one occurrence.)

In my RL there isn't allot of gift exchange going on. It's just who my family is and we all are fine with it. If I seem unappreciative please, please don't think that I am. I just don't know how to say thank you properly.

I know I made commitments, maybe promises in the past that perhaps I never fulfilled. I know I was supposed to take you shopping. The time..no..the relationship was never right. Seeing you wearing it tonight upset me. I guess I'm sorry for the lost opportunity.

I wonder why I even wrote this blog entry. Most will not get the references, and those that do won't know the real reason behind what I wrote. Rest assured, my intent is not to cast blame or hurt.

A word about jealously. I've told some that I don't understand jealousy. It might be a character flaw, or maybe I hide it from myself. Take my word though, I don't get that feeling.

Support Structure

Win's comment on my last entry along with a talk I had with Alt has made me aware that I am not alone. What is it with Banishment that takes the sub out of some of us? Is the change a lasting one? I'm still quite happy with the "new me", but are the rest of those that have changed as happy? I'm seriously considering starting a support group.

Ash and I had a strong scene together today. My RL weekend had been quite a mess, limiting our time together. I think we made up for it though. After the scene had ended, during our cuddle time, she wanted to know what it was about "all of this" that I enjoyed most. My answer didn't take much consideration. I find that what I really enjoy is giving other's what they need. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here mind you, I do indeed get something in return. It's the power exchange. It's become almost cliche', but it does happen. And the more I learn about a select few individuals the more gratifying and yes, sexually exciting, it becomes.
This isn't a new thing for me. I am a switch and have had some wonderful scenes as a top before, but recently the level of power being exchanged seems to have increased. I'm certain that my relationship with Ash has heightened that to no small degree, and it's happening with others as well.

Flashing back to my first point though, can I expect this to last? Better question; how can I make sure that it does?

An Ending, a Beginning

I was wrong. Banishment was not the hardest thing in SL. Telling Ru that didn't want to wear the collar anymore is far worse. But it was time, and now I will move on. I'm still part of her family. I hope we don't drift apart, but perhaps we will, little by little. Even if that does happen I know I will always be loved by them, by Her.

To my sisters and friends that are just learning of this here, I apologize. Ru and I will make an announcement, but I needed to blog this while the emotions are still wreaking havoc within me.

It should come as no surprise that Ashelia has been submissive to me for awhile now. She offered me her collar and I took it, making her mine. She and I match quite well. I met her.. kidnapped really, at Ralf's one day. I put her and two other girls through a test, making them search blindfolded. She showed both spirit and charm and put a spell on me right then. Ever since I have enjoyed learning with her and even just talking. I hope to be the Mistress she needs. I certainly will try to pass along everything Ru has taught me.

A New Day Dawns

And with it come changes. Submissive Shi is all but gone. Domme Shi is opening like a new rose. Is this a permanent change? Isn't the phrase "permanent change" an oxymoron anyhow? I didn't see this coming. Hindsight being 20/20 perhaps I should have. Playing the dominant role has gotten more and more fulfilling, while finding happiness as a sub has become elusive.

I keep looking at the above paragraph and rereading it, wondering who it may hurt, who it may shock. Idoru, to be sure will be affected by it. I don't know what this change will cause in our relationship. But then I read it again and I know that there are some that will be made happy by this change in direction.

Am I all Domme now? I hardly think so. I'll continue to test my limits and myself. Once a switch always a switch I think. A dear friend told me only today that she came to SL never expecting to be collared, yet now she is. I had to smile. Back when Shibari was younger she said almost the same thing. Those close to me will remember "never to own or be owned".

We change, it cannot be helped. We can only strive to make those changes for the better.

As a side note, I have been getting some feedback from this blog. Thank you to all who have left comments and to those that have pulled me aside to tell me your thoughts within SL. Alt especially, for your sharing of a sunset with a lonely bane caused ripples in my pond that have made me a very happy person.

After Action Report

Yes I'm free of the Custodian, the helmet and the banesuit. But am I free of S-5876?
If you are considering Banishment (and I speak of the Kelly Technologies program because that's the one I know about) make sure you think about it carefully. If you take roleplay seriously, and you get yourself into your AV, then Banishment will effect you. And I mean YOU, not your AV. IT also has effects on those close to you. They will hurt, be lonely, be worried and afraid for you. You have to be prepared to deal with them as well. Of course, it would help if they were prepared to deal with all of the relationship chaos you are about to drag them through, but then it might dilute the experience. I said it before though, if you test your friends, they will fail.

So there are after effects to deal with. Shibari is shy, scared to get too close to people. She's more comfortable when there is some distance between her and the people around her, and she doesn't want her back to the wall. Is this RP? Yes, of course, but I RP what feels right to me.

Someone asked me if I would do it again.. I can't honestly answer that, at least not right now. It's is the single most powerful thing I have done in SL, and I don't see a way t top it.

For those of you that read the story, no, I didn't find my Eudaemon. I'm not disappointed though. I know it doesn't always happen, and I know that I didn't spend nearly enough time as a bane for it to even start.

So now I will rebuild Shibari's broken Id, and learn from it. Hopefully I will be asked to be an Operator myself, but we'll see.

Freedom?

My Operator summons me and I comply. I'm afraid to upset her as much as I am afraid of her. She's not alone, but she doesn't turn off the Custodian. Something feels wrong and I am very scared. Win plays with her controller and something clicks inside my helmet. She attaches the vox and tells me that my sentence is nearly up, but that I have incurred some infractions since my last weekly update. Infractions that could lead to more time. Inside my head I am shrieking, torn between tackling her and running away. I think had it been just a few weeks ago I would have done one or the other, but maybe being a Bane has taught me some self control. I just stand there, mute and staring. I can see her making some calculations. Then she smiles at me, but it's not a pleasant smile. She informs me that I should have about one more week (4 hours of SL time). Struggling hard with myself I keep calm, say nothing. Then with a wicked laugh she unlocks the helmet and cool air, real air washes over my skin for the first time in so long. I'm free, or soon will be!

*Fast forward*

Back at my home Jesse and Ashelia are waiting for me. Their kind intentions to hold me and comfort me are so hard to take. All I want to do is run away and hide, run back to that park and cower in my corner.

Later, so many people. All are happy to see me, and I am happy to be with them again too, but it's so intense that I have to stay away. I know they are worried but I can't comfort them, I can barely speak at all.

I'll be fine.. I'll be me again, soon I think...

Cruelty

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I tried to make contact. But I had to try, I thought that any contact with a human would be better than this isolation. I even thought I had an excuse. I'm still certain that the bitch...the Custodian.. made a mistake, a malfunction. Why else would I be forced to do maintenance twice in the same day, within hours.
So I did what I had been told to do only in an emergency. I contacted my Operator. Right from the start I knew she was mad. She berated me even before she hooked the vox up to the helmet, before I could even plead my case. Once I could speak again I stuttered and stammered through my excuse. I could see that it was making her more and more angry with me. I'm not human, therefor just another annoyance to her busy day.
She didn't care what I had to say. She ignored my fear and simply, in a cool and professional tone, told me I was going to be punished for contacting her. Without even looking at the control box that she carries she touched a series of buttons. Suddenly I can barely see. My world looks like a poorly tuned in TV show from the days of antennas. Static we used to call it, and now it's my entire world.
Before I can even beg for mercy she rips the vox from me and physically shoves me out into the street again. As I run away I hear her reset the Custodian, making me unable to approach humans again. I'm quite sure I can hear her laughing too, though that may be my imagination. Imagined or not, I know I'm not like her, I'm not human. I'm something less. I am S-5876, a bane.

The Perils of a Creative Mind

What is second life?

A game? A glorified chat room? A new form of interaction? A commercial venture to separate you from your money?

I think it's something else. I think it's a way to express ourselves. Some more than others of course, and there is certainly a learning curve. A lot of people into SL are geeks. I don't mean that as an insult, just an observation. You need to have computer skills to deal with the myriad quirks that SL sends you. It's a technology in it's infancy, so only the tech savvy and the doggedly determined stay with it long enough to become addicted. I fall somewhere in between those two definitions.


Somehow SL sneaks up on me. I'm never prepared for it, even when I think I am. This Banishment has been like that even before I committed to it.
Tonight my Sister Kat5 came to see me. I expected a hug, maybe even a pounce. She completely blindsided me by dropping roses at my feet. I had to make myself walk away. I was in tears, warm, blubbery salty tears.

Real ones...

Thank you Kat for covering my world in roses.

Custodian of my Torment

One again I let my desperation for human interaction get the better of me. Sitting in my corner of the park (I call it mine, but I have no claim, nor anyone to fight for it) I watch as a muscular young woman goes jogging by. Her long dark hair streams behind her in an unkempt tangle. Suddenly she sees me and stops and walks up to me, until I jump up and begin to walk away. She calls to me "stop, I won't hurt you", sure, I've heard that before.
Soon another woman joins her. This one I think I know. She's taller, almost willowy, long red hair like mine. My hand comes up against cold plastic of it's own volition and I'm startled. I did have hair. I dare to listen to them talking. Both are sentenced to Banishment. Both think waiting is a punishment. Both are very wrong.
I walk away for awhile, but can't help coming back again. I overhear the shorter one saying that her owner has told her to accept banishment. Her owner is curios about the long term effects. Her owner should be left in a shallow grave. I run up to her, violently shake my head, point to myself, to her, frantically. Pointless I'm sure, but I had to do something.
Walking away I return to my corner to cry. Unshed tears still hurt.
I don't get very far before the bitch screams at me, shocking me and sending waves of pain through my entire being. I've stayed too close to the humans again and the bitch is punishing me. It's so unfair. The only thing my numb skin feels is pain, and then only occasionally. Even the pain isn't real though. It's all in my head, what a wonderful thought!


Later, soon after another humiliating maintainence, dear Tot appears. She's a welcome sight, but a painful one. I think she recognises me, though maybe not at first. She talks to me anyhow, so I risk pain again and stay close, hoping she doesn't notice when the bitch starts in again, hoping she will stay. More people arrive, the redhead from before, I know her now, Edie. The Iza and Pet. Soon they leave me and I only have the bitch in my head to keep me company.


How I hate that bitch....

She hits me like a freight train with waves of vertigo so strong I can barely stand. Her hated voice shreiking inside my head, demanding that I seek maintainence immediately. I was just there! Malfunction.. it must be.. But I have no choice but to walk, and crawl my way back to the shed and submit again. All I can think of, when I can think at all through the pain and nausea, is what if it doesn't satisfy her, what if she just keeps torturing me? What if this never ends?

Lessons Learned

1. Peace and quiet are far overrated
2. Sitting in the grass is only fun when you have someone to do it with, or something to read
3. Darkness is my friend
4. Listening to conversations hurts
5. Humiliation is better than intense vertigo
6. No matter how much you love them, stay away
7. Kelley Technologies, Inc. is a soulless monster
8. Inhumane does not apply to Banes
9. People are cruel to those they say they love....

In the meantime.

Last night, ok most of the day yesterday I was reading the Eudaemon story while my Bane-self sat in the park. Every few minutes I switched back to check on things. I was on a long time, having planned my RL day around this event in SL.
Jesse had asked me to stop reading the story at a certain point back when she was a Bane. She wanted a part of the story to be a surprise for me I think. Only, I delayed doing it myself for such a long time, that I had forgotten most of it anyhow. So, after my processing I went back and read the entire thing, front to back.
It's not a story for everyone. It's erotic in places, very dark in others. When Winter is born there is this feeling of shock, then of joy as I put myself in Katrina's place, for Winter knows all about Katrina, she feels everything that Katrina feels.
When Winter tells Katrina :I love you: I broke down in tears. At the part where Winter offers to let Katrina see her skin again, then decides that Katrina would be... not exactly happier.. there's no good word for it, if she didn't, I was lost in a dream of my own for awhile. I suppose Winter decides that Katrina enjoys the feeling of being helplessly covered by the black skin, but cannot admit it even to herself. Winter however, knows. So Katrina asks "will you remove it if I ask you to?" and Winter refuses. I think my own body reacted in a fashion similar to what Katrina's would have, if only for a moment.
At the birth of Firefly I had to stop for awhile and just cry. I don't know why it made me so very happy, but the tears flowed freely for a few minutes.
I won't spoil the ending for any that might decide to read it. But what was written follows the storey well and indeed the ending is justifiable to all of the characters.

Alone

Time passes, I know it does, but looking through the mask of my Bane helmet forces each day to blend in with the next. The Custodian scares me. It's hollow voice is all I hear, even the voices of people that I know are translated into it's monotone.
This is insane, no one should be so alone even when people surround them. No one should be have the humiliation of "maintenance" forced upon them by a machine.
A machine.. implanted within my own brain, growing there, learning everything about me. One fear overcomes another and I sit and sob, though I can't even hear that. The Custodian instructs me, tells me to go to the maintainence station. I ignore it, why bother. Soon pain explodes in my head, so intense that my stomach turns. I'd be puking my guts out if there were anything in them. So I make my way across the park, into the complex of buildings and into the tiny shed so I can be maintained.
A week has passed. I only know this because that impersonal bitch inside my skull informs me that I have not incurred any penalties. Of course I haven't. If I stay too long near people she yells at me so I run away. I know I'm not allowed in buildings, so I sleep on the ground. I can't get penalties, I have to get out of this.

More time passes, not yet another week because the bitch hasn't said a word to me, besides making me go to the shed.
Two women walk up on me. One tall, lithe and carrying some sort of bow. The other is shorter, rather curvy and wearing slave silks. I dare to listen for awhile. The slave is curious about me. More likely about my condition. She's willing to endure banishment for her Mistress. She's insane and I want to scream at her, I want to tackle the so-called-Mistress and grind her smug face in the dirt for being so cruel. Of course I can do nothing, not even warn the girl, so I walk away. Maybe I'll see her again, in a Banesuit, but how will I recognise her?
Pet... oh my dear Pet.. She's come to find me. I hope she knows that the black figure nearby is her sister. She needs me, I can see her tears. I want so badly to comfort her, to take her in my arms and calm her the way I did so long ago. But I dare not, I know the bitch is watching me and she will punish me. Cruel bitch, how I hate you.
Movement startles me, but Pet doesn't see it. A dim shape in the bushes. Somehow he is tricking my eyes and I don't think Pet can see him at all. A Bane-basher, I know it. He's waiting for Pet to go so no one can see him perpetrate evil on another helpless bane. I move away but he follows. Desperately I point to him, hoping Pet can see him. She can't, and worse, another is waiting for me, not far away. I do the only thing I can and run. Poor Pet, she probably thinks I ran away from her... I'm so sorry sister.

S-5876

The decision took nearly a year. Permission from Mistress almost as long. Understanding from my friends and family...Pending.

Why did I allow myself to be turned into this thing? For the experience, sure, as a test of my own self, that too. To see who would notice that I was gone. No. A wise person told me once that if you test your friends they will always fail. I know my friends, I choose who I allow close to me very carefully. They were there before, they will be there after, I know that. Of course I have a lot of guilt over doing this insanely selfish thing, and thereby causing them anguish.



So far the worst part of banishment has been the wait for it to happen. There seem to be only a few Operators in my timezone, so I had to wait for one in Europe. Finally though, it has happened. Bane S-5876 walked out into daylight today. I'm not going to give away any details. If you want to know, sign up and experience it.

What I will do is give you some insight into my feelings during and after the processing. WinthorpeFoghorn Zinneman is my Operator. She knows her business and I must say is one of the more creative and well spoken people I have met thus far. I originally met her more than a year ago in SH, where she gave me my first lesson in struggling out of RR ropes. I hadn't seen her in many months and we have never been close, but learning that it would be Win who would process me was a relief, as I knew she would do it right.

Win was polite at first, calling me Miss hobble and taking great care to reassure and help me. She answered my questions and calmed my worries. Later though, she became agitated when I asked her about the section in the handbook that seemed to have been removed. She did manage to calm herself, though I noted a bit of anger in her after that. She steadily became more and more distant, less caring. By the time I was sealed into the confines of latex and plastic it was quite clear that I had become an object to her, a job. When I was able to stand again I felt so small and insignificant. Win is extremely tall, but I've become accustomed to tall women over time as Mistress is one of the tallest in SL. No, my feeling of being tiny was from attitude, and from knowing that I was no longer in control of my fate. Indeed not even Win is in full control of me now. Instead, a tiny device feeding off the latent energy of my own brain now holds my fate in its hands. If such a cold and impersonal THING such as a Custodian can be said to have hands, because it certainly has no emotion.

Now, released to walk alone I can't even hear my own voice. I feel a great fear that the feminine voice of the Custodian will become longed for, even desired. My fantasies involving latex are at least in part to blame for bringing me to this. Once I was free of the operator and alone I tested my confines. The thick, more than skin tight layer covers me, and whether some part of the compound, or if the Custodian has that much control over me, I cannot feel enough through it to attain any sort of stimulation. Anguish and despair, my fantasies have come true and torture me.

As hard as I try I cannot get this helmet off. Again, I wonder if it's the device itself, or another insidious trick of the Custodian. Maybe I only think it's still on...

PS, Some things I have already found to be a problem.

• I should have set SL to auto-open notes, as I think I missed an important one already.
• Walking seems glitchy.
• Despite the relative rarity of Banes these days, there are still some that hunt them...

Everything that has a beginning...

At the suggestion of my two most loyal friends I have begun a blog. Since I have decided to go through with Marine Kelly's Bane Program they think it would be wise if I were to document the experience. The thought had occurred to be before as a large part of my decision was made from reading my sister Jesse's blog on the very subject.

But I'm not going to start right off with the Banishment, which began earlier today. Rather, a bit about myself, just in case someone is curious.

Shibari Hobble. I chose my name for a reason. In RL I must hide who I am, at least in part. I'm sure it's true for most of us involved in BDSM at least in some way. With Shibari, there's no hiding what my interests are. If you know what the word means, you're likely to click my profile where you're going to find out that " The first thing you should know is that I'm a basically well adjusted-somewhat "normal" person with some strange interests."
Yes, I'm into fetish clothing, I like to tie and be tied up, I'm a bit of a sadomasochist and I really, really enjoy domination. There, all out in the open, right from the start. No dancing around it, no denial.

I was brought into SL by an online friend with a mutual interest in chastity belts. She and I never did much together on SL, but I am grateful to her for introducing me to it and helping me get a start. Along the way I have met some wonderful people. Some I cherish and have managed to keep close, some left right away, and some have simply faded. It's one of those things about Sl that you just have to deal with somehow, or else you'll quickly tire of it.

Early in my Second Life I met Shae Thatcher. Undoubtedly one of the single best people in either RL or SL. Together with her partner Angie they have held my hand and made things ok, when they really didn't seem like they were.
My SL would have ceased long ago without my dear Sister Tot Corrigible. She possesses a heart of purest gold and it shines through in her devilish but oh-so-sweet nature. Wise beyond my comprehension she is an old soul that enriches any life it touches.
Idoru Ryba... what can I say about my Mistress? She's the One. It's cliche' but it happens to be true in her case. My Mistress, my Love, my Friend. How she pulls off all three at the same time I don't understand, but I strive to in hopes of becoming a better person myself.

This is the beginning of my blog, and as such I don't intend it as a list of the myriads of people that I have grown so fond of. I hope you know who you all are, and how much you mean to me.

Some of the experience that have shaped Shi into the creature she is now deserve at least a brief mention here. Not necessarily in any order, here are a few:

• Discovery of Stonehaven and Realrestraints. I must admit that I am proud to have known SH in it's old location, even if only briefly. Dirk's playground is where I cut my teeth in SL. About the same time I stumbled upon RR and things went wild from there.
• Yasmin Heartsdale. Still and always loved by me, this kind hearted wicked Huntress of SH taught me so much about SL and indeed, about relationships.
• Pandora's Box Prison. Though I eventually "outgrew" the place I will always enjoy all the people I interacted with there, both as a prisoner and for a far longer time as a guard.
• Rayn Halpint. The annoying little minx turned dear sweet friend. Now a ghost in SL, I still value her above so many.
• Eni. My dear sweet Eni that time itself steals away from me. How cruel timezones can be.
• Faye, my lover. I can't list here all the things Faye has made me feel. To try would make my heart swell with joy and break with pain.
• Lochme and Sunset Beach Retreat, where I live. Thank you Sharie, it means more than you know.

Enough for now of my reminiscences. All things must begin somewhere.