After Action Report

Yes I'm free of the Custodian, the helmet and the banesuit. But am I free of S-5876?
If you are considering Banishment (and I speak of the Kelly Technologies program because that's the one I know about) make sure you think about it carefully. If you take roleplay seriously, and you get yourself into your AV, then Banishment will effect you. And I mean YOU, not your AV. IT also has effects on those close to you. They will hurt, be lonely, be worried and afraid for you. You have to be prepared to deal with them as well. Of course, it would help if they were prepared to deal with all of the relationship chaos you are about to drag them through, but then it might dilute the experience. I said it before though, if you test your friends, they will fail.

So there are after effects to deal with. Shibari is shy, scared to get too close to people. She's more comfortable when there is some distance between her and the people around her, and she doesn't want her back to the wall. Is this RP? Yes, of course, but I RP what feels right to me.

Someone asked me if I would do it again.. I can't honestly answer that, at least not right now. It's is the single most powerful thing I have done in SL, and I don't see a way t top it.

For those of you that read the story, no, I didn't find my Eudaemon. I'm not disappointed though. I know it doesn't always happen, and I know that I didn't spend nearly enough time as a bane for it to even start.

So now I will rebuild Shibari's broken Id, and learn from it. Hopefully I will be asked to be an Operator myself, but we'll see.

Freedom?

My Operator summons me and I comply. I'm afraid to upset her as much as I am afraid of her. She's not alone, but she doesn't turn off the Custodian. Something feels wrong and I am very scared. Win plays with her controller and something clicks inside my helmet. She attaches the vox and tells me that my sentence is nearly up, but that I have incurred some infractions since my last weekly update. Infractions that could lead to more time. Inside my head I am shrieking, torn between tackling her and running away. I think had it been just a few weeks ago I would have done one or the other, but maybe being a Bane has taught me some self control. I just stand there, mute and staring. I can see her making some calculations. Then she smiles at me, but it's not a pleasant smile. She informs me that I should have about one more week (4 hours of SL time). Struggling hard with myself I keep calm, say nothing. Then with a wicked laugh she unlocks the helmet and cool air, real air washes over my skin for the first time in so long. I'm free, or soon will be!

*Fast forward*

Back at my home Jesse and Ashelia are waiting for me. Their kind intentions to hold me and comfort me are so hard to take. All I want to do is run away and hide, run back to that park and cower in my corner.

Later, so many people. All are happy to see me, and I am happy to be with them again too, but it's so intense that I have to stay away. I know they are worried but I can't comfort them, I can barely speak at all.

I'll be fine.. I'll be me again, soon I think...

Cruelty

I knew it was a mistake as soon as I tried to make contact. But I had to try, I thought that any contact with a human would be better than this isolation. I even thought I had an excuse. I'm still certain that the bitch...the Custodian.. made a mistake, a malfunction. Why else would I be forced to do maintenance twice in the same day, within hours.
So I did what I had been told to do only in an emergency. I contacted my Operator. Right from the start I knew she was mad. She berated me even before she hooked the vox up to the helmet, before I could even plead my case. Once I could speak again I stuttered and stammered through my excuse. I could see that it was making her more and more angry with me. I'm not human, therefor just another annoyance to her busy day.
She didn't care what I had to say. She ignored my fear and simply, in a cool and professional tone, told me I was going to be punished for contacting her. Without even looking at the control box that she carries she touched a series of buttons. Suddenly I can barely see. My world looks like a poorly tuned in TV show from the days of antennas. Static we used to call it, and now it's my entire world.
Before I can even beg for mercy she rips the vox from me and physically shoves me out into the street again. As I run away I hear her reset the Custodian, making me unable to approach humans again. I'm quite sure I can hear her laughing too, though that may be my imagination. Imagined or not, I know I'm not like her, I'm not human. I'm something less. I am S-5876, a bane.

Custodian of my Torment

One again I let my desperation for human interaction get the better of me. Sitting in my corner of the park (I call it mine, but I have no claim, nor anyone to fight for it) I watch as a muscular young woman goes jogging by. Her long dark hair streams behind her in an unkempt tangle. Suddenly she sees me and stops and walks up to me, until I jump up and begin to walk away. She calls to me "stop, I won't hurt you", sure, I've heard that before.
Soon another woman joins her. This one I think I know. She's taller, almost willowy, long red hair like mine. My hand comes up against cold plastic of it's own volition and I'm startled. I did have hair. I dare to listen to them talking. Both are sentenced to Banishment. Both think waiting is a punishment. Both are very wrong.
I walk away for awhile, but can't help coming back again. I overhear the shorter one saying that her owner has told her to accept banishment. Her owner is curios about the long term effects. Her owner should be left in a shallow grave. I run up to her, violently shake my head, point to myself, to her, frantically. Pointless I'm sure, but I had to do something.
Walking away I return to my corner to cry. Unshed tears still hurt.
I don't get very far before the bitch screams at me, shocking me and sending waves of pain through my entire being. I've stayed too close to the humans again and the bitch is punishing me. It's so unfair. The only thing my numb skin feels is pain, and then only occasionally. Even the pain isn't real though. It's all in my head, what a wonderful thought!


Later, soon after another humiliating maintainence, dear Tot appears. She's a welcome sight, but a painful one. I think she recognises me, though maybe not at first. She talks to me anyhow, so I risk pain again and stay close, hoping she doesn't notice when the bitch starts in again, hoping she will stay. More people arrive, the redhead from before, I know her now, Edie. The Iza and Pet. Soon they leave me and I only have the bitch in my head to keep me company.


How I hate that bitch....

She hits me like a freight train with waves of vertigo so strong I can barely stand. Her hated voice shreiking inside my head, demanding that I seek maintainence immediately. I was just there! Malfunction.. it must be.. But I have no choice but to walk, and crawl my way back to the shed and submit again. All I can think of, when I can think at all through the pain and nausea, is what if it doesn't satisfy her, what if she just keeps torturing me? What if this never ends?

Alone

Time passes, I know it does, but looking through the mask of my Bane helmet forces each day to blend in with the next. The Custodian scares me. It's hollow voice is all I hear, even the voices of people that I know are translated into it's monotone.
This is insane, no one should be so alone even when people surround them. No one should be have the humiliation of "maintenance" forced upon them by a machine.
A machine.. implanted within my own brain, growing there, learning everything about me. One fear overcomes another and I sit and sob, though I can't even hear that. The Custodian instructs me, tells me to go to the maintainence station. I ignore it, why bother. Soon pain explodes in my head, so intense that my stomach turns. I'd be puking my guts out if there were anything in them. So I make my way across the park, into the complex of buildings and into the tiny shed so I can be maintained.
A week has passed. I only know this because that impersonal bitch inside my skull informs me that I have not incurred any penalties. Of course I haven't. If I stay too long near people she yells at me so I run away. I know I'm not allowed in buildings, so I sleep on the ground. I can't get penalties, I have to get out of this.

More time passes, not yet another week because the bitch hasn't said a word to me, besides making me go to the shed.
Two women walk up on me. One tall, lithe and carrying some sort of bow. The other is shorter, rather curvy and wearing slave silks. I dare to listen for awhile. The slave is curious about me. More likely about my condition. She's willing to endure banishment for her Mistress. She's insane and I want to scream at her, I want to tackle the so-called-Mistress and grind her smug face in the dirt for being so cruel. Of course I can do nothing, not even warn the girl, so I walk away. Maybe I'll see her again, in a Banesuit, but how will I recognise her?
Pet... oh my dear Pet.. She's come to find me. I hope she knows that the black figure nearby is her sister. She needs me, I can see her tears. I want so badly to comfort her, to take her in my arms and calm her the way I did so long ago. But I dare not, I know the bitch is watching me and she will punish me. Cruel bitch, how I hate you.
Movement startles me, but Pet doesn't see it. A dim shape in the bushes. Somehow he is tricking my eyes and I don't think Pet can see him at all. A Bane-basher, I know it. He's waiting for Pet to go so no one can see him perpetrate evil on another helpless bane. I move away but he follows. Desperately I point to him, hoping Pet can see him. She can't, and worse, another is waiting for me, not far away. I do the only thing I can and run. Poor Pet, she probably thinks I ran away from her... I'm so sorry sister.

S-5876

The decision took nearly a year. Permission from Mistress almost as long. Understanding from my friends and family...Pending.

Why did I allow myself to be turned into this thing? For the experience, sure, as a test of my own self, that too. To see who would notice that I was gone. No. A wise person told me once that if you test your friends they will always fail. I know my friends, I choose who I allow close to me very carefully. They were there before, they will be there after, I know that. Of course I have a lot of guilt over doing this insanely selfish thing, and thereby causing them anguish.



So far the worst part of banishment has been the wait for it to happen. There seem to be only a few Operators in my timezone, so I had to wait for one in Europe. Finally though, it has happened. Bane S-5876 walked out into daylight today. I'm not going to give away any details. If you want to know, sign up and experience it.

What I will do is give you some insight into my feelings during and after the processing. WinthorpeFoghorn Zinneman is my Operator. She knows her business and I must say is one of the more creative and well spoken people I have met thus far. I originally met her more than a year ago in SH, where she gave me my first lesson in struggling out of RR ropes. I hadn't seen her in many months and we have never been close, but learning that it would be Win who would process me was a relief, as I knew she would do it right.

Win was polite at first, calling me Miss hobble and taking great care to reassure and help me. She answered my questions and calmed my worries. Later though, she became agitated when I asked her about the section in the handbook that seemed to have been removed. She did manage to calm herself, though I noted a bit of anger in her after that. She steadily became more and more distant, less caring. By the time I was sealed into the confines of latex and plastic it was quite clear that I had become an object to her, a job. When I was able to stand again I felt so small and insignificant. Win is extremely tall, but I've become accustomed to tall women over time as Mistress is one of the tallest in SL. No, my feeling of being tiny was from attitude, and from knowing that I was no longer in control of my fate. Indeed not even Win is in full control of me now. Instead, a tiny device feeding off the latent energy of my own brain now holds my fate in its hands. If such a cold and impersonal THING such as a Custodian can be said to have hands, because it certainly has no emotion.

Now, released to walk alone I can't even hear my own voice. I feel a great fear that the feminine voice of the Custodian will become longed for, even desired. My fantasies involving latex are at least in part to blame for bringing me to this. Once I was free of the operator and alone I tested my confines. The thick, more than skin tight layer covers me, and whether some part of the compound, or if the Custodian has that much control over me, I cannot feel enough through it to attain any sort of stimulation. Anguish and despair, my fantasies have come true and torture me.

As hard as I try I cannot get this helmet off. Again, I wonder if it's the device itself, or another insidious trick of the Custodian. Maybe I only think it's still on...

PS, Some things I have already found to be a problem.

• I should have set SL to auto-open notes, as I think I missed an important one already.
• Walking seems glitchy.
• Despite the relative rarity of Banes these days, there are still some that hunt them...