**Warning**
*Depressing Content*
The harder you hold the more slips from your hand. For a long time in SL terms I've fought to hold onto someone very dear and special. No, not just in SL terms, for it's been more than a year and that's a long time to hold onto hope. I struggled with long separations and never knowing if I'd see her again. I drove poor Tot to distraction with my need for reassurance. Dear Pet was always there to help me hold on. Wonderful little Aki commiserated with my loss.
It's over now. Time to gather up the pieces and move on. I won't say never again, but don't bother asking me for any sort of commitment for a while.
I had nearly made the decision to end it myself many times, but I'm a dedicated person, I tend to hold on to the bitter end. There's a lesson here: Bitter Ends suck for everyone involved.
So I offer this to you Faye: I've gone from loss to hurt to anger and back again. Had I known you felt pushed by me I'd have left you long ago. I'm sorry you've felt the need to hide from me. My intentions were never to cause you pain, but only offer support and love with nothing asked for in return. Obviously I didn't make that very clear to you.
'I'm sorry' is a phrase I don't like to hear or use. It's far to easily said and conveys next to nothing. It's an empty statement, but emptiness is all you've left me with.
I'm sorry Faye.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Ups and Downs
It's been awhile since I posted and many, many things have happened. Snow covers my little part of this world and hides everything beneath it with a clean white blanket. In some ways my own desires tend to hide what lurks under the seemingly clean surface.
I spent some time looking for a sub experience in SL. I found it, and what seemed like a good connection at the time. Warning flags were raised soon after though, and my too-quick-to-click subby side caused a lot or worry and hurt feelings. I offer my apologies to any that got involved in that mess. I only hope the ripples are past.
I'm going to focus more on my Domme side in SL. Miss Shi is needed there by many. I have things to show them, hands to hold and hugs to give. Leave no doubt that Miss Evil is alive (undead?) and well and can still find the things you hide. I consider it my privilege to bring them out and play with them, expose and mold them, and set you free in my chains.
A select (very) few will still have access to my sub side. Those that I trust I trust implicitly, if I allow you to take my control away I hope you run with it for awhile.
RL mirrors SL again. I've been asked to give a presentation at Estate Obscure on Sub Drop. I spent last night with a couple I have known for a long time (RL), but haven't seen for a few years. They are the ones that introduced me to Lee. I was asked to 'entertain' them for the evening, and I was more than willing. Many hours were spent in some strict ties and some very complete leather bondage. I was teased and tormented, but never allowed to..well, you know. My close friends will know that this is something I crave, and I went home late in the evening feeling floaty and quite thrilled by my experience.
...then I spent two hours crying my eyes out and trying to figure out "what the hell is wrong with me". Not a good ending to an otherwise thrilling experience.
Sub Drop is sneaky. When you're in it's clutches it's very hard to realize it. I wouldn't call myself an expert on it, but I've been in that state many times in the past. In my early years of experimenting with self bondage I dropped nearly every time. I think other things influenced last night's episode and added to the stress and depression, but I've got it sorted out for now. A late night call to a dear friend, and the consumption of comfort food seems to have snapped me out of the worst of it.
If you're wondering if I'd repeat last night. knowing that I'd drop hard, the answer is yes. I'm an addict to my own endorphins and will never give that up.
I spent some time looking for a sub experience in SL. I found it, and what seemed like a good connection at the time. Warning flags were raised soon after though, and my too-quick-to-click subby side caused a lot or worry and hurt feelings. I offer my apologies to any that got involved in that mess. I only hope the ripples are past.
I'm going to focus more on my Domme side in SL. Miss Shi is needed there by many. I have things to show them, hands to hold and hugs to give. Leave no doubt that Miss Evil is alive (undead?) and well and can still find the things you hide. I consider it my privilege to bring them out and play with them, expose and mold them, and set you free in my chains.
A select (very) few will still have access to my sub side. Those that I trust I trust implicitly, if I allow you to take my control away I hope you run with it for awhile.
RL mirrors SL again. I've been asked to give a presentation at Estate Obscure on Sub Drop. I spent last night with a couple I have known for a long time (RL), but haven't seen for a few years. They are the ones that introduced me to Lee. I was asked to 'entertain' them for the evening, and I was more than willing. Many hours were spent in some strict ties and some very complete leather bondage. I was teased and tormented, but never allowed to..well, you know. My close friends will know that this is something I crave, and I went home late in the evening feeling floaty and quite thrilled by my experience.
...then I spent two hours crying my eyes out and trying to figure out "what the hell is wrong with me". Not a good ending to an otherwise thrilling experience.
Sub Drop is sneaky. When you're in it's clutches it's very hard to realize it. I wouldn't call myself an expert on it, but I've been in that state many times in the past. In my early years of experimenting with self bondage I dropped nearly every time. I think other things influenced last night's episode and added to the stress and depression, but I've got it sorted out for now. A late night call to a dear friend, and the consumption of comfort food seems to have snapped me out of the worst of it.
If you're wondering if I'd repeat last night. knowing that I'd drop hard, the answer is yes. I'm an addict to my own endorphins and will never give that up.
Monday, November 9, 2009
I have tomorrow off
Someone out there knows why, but I'm not saying who. My libido has been up a bit these last few days and it's time to do something about it.
After twenty minutes of smoothing and stretching my favorite backzip catsuit is finally ready to be zipped. There's a trick to doing it alone, and it involves a bent coat hanger and a bit of flexibility. Around my waist I've locked a length of chain, the end of which passes between my legs to be locked in back. It's tight enough that it won't slip past my hips, and later my wrists will be locked to each side with leather cuffs. Another chain wraps around my body, crosses between my breasts and around again. With a lock in front and back each time I take a deep breath it squeezes my breasts tightly. This chain is a bit long so the extra gets locked to the crotch chain in back, pulling it up into my sex. The suit has gloves and feet, and over the later I have added four inch pumps with locking ankle straps. A short chain between leather ankle cuffs ensures I'll be taking tiny steps until morning. Later I'll manage to get my elbows cuffed as close together as I can so my hands can't reach my crotch, but before the final lock snaps shut I'll add a leather panel gag with a phallus between my teeth. All will remain in place for several hours, determined by a program called Safelock, with a devious random setting. I'm fairly certain that I've chosen a setting that begins at four hours, but may last as long as twelve.
The safety call has been made, everything is in place, and my tummy is full of butterflies. There are not many things more exciting than this...
After twenty minutes of smoothing and stretching my favorite backzip catsuit is finally ready to be zipped. There's a trick to doing it alone, and it involves a bent coat hanger and a bit of flexibility. Around my waist I've locked a length of chain, the end of which passes between my legs to be locked in back. It's tight enough that it won't slip past my hips, and later my wrists will be locked to each side with leather cuffs. Another chain wraps around my body, crosses between my breasts and around again. With a lock in front and back each time I take a deep breath it squeezes my breasts tightly. This chain is a bit long so the extra gets locked to the crotch chain in back, pulling it up into my sex. The suit has gloves and feet, and over the later I have added four inch pumps with locking ankle straps. A short chain between leather ankle cuffs ensures I'll be taking tiny steps until morning. Later I'll manage to get my elbows cuffed as close together as I can so my hands can't reach my crotch, but before the final lock snaps shut I'll add a leather panel gag with a phallus between my teeth. All will remain in place for several hours, determined by a program called Safelock, with a devious random setting. I'm fairly certain that I've chosen a setting that begins at four hours, but may last as long as twelve.
The safety call has been made, everything is in place, and my tummy is full of butterflies. There are not many things more exciting than this...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Absolute Trust
After she had given me some instructions for preparing myself and I had followed them, Lee looked me in the eyes and simply said "this time we go deeper". Of course I was thrilled and scared, but little did I know the depths she had intended.
A remote egg went inside me and was held there with latex panties. Matching bra and stockings and then opera length gloves over ordinary latex exam gloves as well. My favorite catsuit soon covered more of me. This one is a backzip with both gloves and feet attached. I've mentioned that I love layers so I was already enjoying myself. Lee wrapped my hands with black stretchy bondage tape (the kind that isn't sticky) making me feel a bit helpless, and she was just beginning.
The tube of the inflatable hood went between my teeth next, and the hood zipped and pumped up firm. I think these hoods looks rather silly, but with my eyes and ears covered with padding the tightness of the thing makes it quite effective.
My torso was wrapped next with layers of pallet wrap and cling film. She wrapped under my arms, then had me fold them beneath my breasts and wrapped them tightly to my body, continuing down to just above my knees. While I could still waddle about she led me to a low table and helped me to lie down where she finished the wrap over my legs and feet. This would have been about the most complete mummification I had experienced yet, but she wasn't done yet.
Under me, on the table Lee had her leather sleepsack. I had spent many nights in it back when she would loan it to a couple I used to play with, so I knew what she was doing as soon as I felt the zipper closing me in, though I could barely hear it. It has buckles too and of course she used them, and then secured the whole package to the table with straps as well, one of which was on my forehead keeping my head immobile.
Bondage is very close to sex for me, and I could feel the wetness spreading under the first layer. My sex was driving me crazy with an incredible desire for attention that I knew it wasn't going to get. I lay still for a while, and slowly began squirming, testing my very limited range of movement. Lee must have been watching me, at some point she turned on the egg that was deep within. At first I didn't know what it was, my mind a blur and my sex already a mass of over-excited nerve endings. I let out a gurgling moan when the vibrations hit me though, and I heard Lee faintly laughing somewhere outside of my tiny prison.
I came repeatedly then, waves hitting me over and over for what seemed like days, but probably was several minutes. The egg stopped for a little while and I caught my breath. It was just enough of a break for me to begin realizing the depth of trouble I was in, when she covered the tube that was my only source of air. There was no way I could safeword, even if I had wanted to, and Lee and I had agreed that we would no longer use them. For a few heartbeats I lay perfectly still. Then I tried to suck in air only to feel the hood pull down tighter over my face. Terror. I tried to jerk my head away, but the straps held me and all I could to was tremble. I could hear her voise then, telling me to lie still. When I did finally did the egg started up again inside me and the tube was opened. Cool air rushed into me as another orgasm struck, this one like a hammer to my midsection. I saw stars, whether from the rush of oxygen or the orgasm, or maybe both.
This pattern of deprivation, panic, the egg and her allowing me breath went on for some time. Lee later told me she'd never pushed a scene like this as far before. My life in her hands, with no way out except by her will. An extremely emotional, terrifying and dangerous place to be. All I know is when Lee at last finished unwrapping me my tummy felt like I had been punched and my loins were still having muscle spasms. My jaw hurt for hours, probably from biting on the plastic tube that had been between my teeth.
I lay on Lee's lap, still in latex, after that for awhile, drifting in peace, shaking now and then, tears being wiped away by the gentle fingers of my tormentor. Later we would talk into the night, sharing each other's company like only those that know and accept each other's dark secrets can.
A remote egg went inside me and was held there with latex panties. Matching bra and stockings and then opera length gloves over ordinary latex exam gloves as well. My favorite catsuit soon covered more of me. This one is a backzip with both gloves and feet attached. I've mentioned that I love layers so I was already enjoying myself. Lee wrapped my hands with black stretchy bondage tape (the kind that isn't sticky) making me feel a bit helpless, and she was just beginning.
The tube of the inflatable hood went between my teeth next, and the hood zipped and pumped up firm. I think these hoods looks rather silly, but with my eyes and ears covered with padding the tightness of the thing makes it quite effective.
My torso was wrapped next with layers of pallet wrap and cling film. She wrapped under my arms, then had me fold them beneath my breasts and wrapped them tightly to my body, continuing down to just above my knees. While I could still waddle about she led me to a low table and helped me to lie down where she finished the wrap over my legs and feet. This would have been about the most complete mummification I had experienced yet, but she wasn't done yet.
Under me, on the table Lee had her leather sleepsack. I had spent many nights in it back when she would loan it to a couple I used to play with, so I knew what she was doing as soon as I felt the zipper closing me in, though I could barely hear it. It has buckles too and of course she used them, and then secured the whole package to the table with straps as well, one of which was on my forehead keeping my head immobile.
Bondage is very close to sex for me, and I could feel the wetness spreading under the first layer. My sex was driving me crazy with an incredible desire for attention that I knew it wasn't going to get. I lay still for a while, and slowly began squirming, testing my very limited range of movement. Lee must have been watching me, at some point she turned on the egg that was deep within. At first I didn't know what it was, my mind a blur and my sex already a mass of over-excited nerve endings. I let out a gurgling moan when the vibrations hit me though, and I heard Lee faintly laughing somewhere outside of my tiny prison.
I came repeatedly then, waves hitting me over and over for what seemed like days, but probably was several minutes. The egg stopped for a little while and I caught my breath. It was just enough of a break for me to begin realizing the depth of trouble I was in, when she covered the tube that was my only source of air. There was no way I could safeword, even if I had wanted to, and Lee and I had agreed that we would no longer use them. For a few heartbeats I lay perfectly still. Then I tried to suck in air only to feel the hood pull down tighter over my face. Terror. I tried to jerk my head away, but the straps held me and all I could to was tremble. I could hear her voise then, telling me to lie still. When I did finally did the egg started up again inside me and the tube was opened. Cool air rushed into me as another orgasm struck, this one like a hammer to my midsection. I saw stars, whether from the rush of oxygen or the orgasm, or maybe both.
This pattern of deprivation, panic, the egg and her allowing me breath went on for some time. Lee later told me she'd never pushed a scene like this as far before. My life in her hands, with no way out except by her will. An extremely emotional, terrifying and dangerous place to be. All I know is when Lee at last finished unwrapping me my tummy felt like I had been punched and my loins were still having muscle spasms. My jaw hurt for hours, probably from biting on the plastic tube that had been between my teeth.
I lay on Lee's lap, still in latex, after that for awhile, drifting in peace, shaking now and then, tears being wiped away by the gentle fingers of my tormentor. Later we would talk into the night, sharing each other's company like only those that know and accept each other's dark secrets can.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The way you do...
I keep listening to the same CD over and over. I'm sure I'm not the only one that can find a meaning in a song. Something the songwriter says that just clicks into place and you say, wow, how did she know that it feels like that for me too. But this entire CD is haunting me. Especially a couple of songs. I'm talking about Devil Doll, or Colleen Duffy. The CD is The Return of Eve.
Nearly every word of her song The Way You Do I can apply to my relationship with Lee. The way she watches my eyes all through a scene, or even when we eat dinner together, Colleen seems to know about it. How Lee is on my mind all the time, again Colleen has been there. I don't need to mention how my body reacts with just the thought of Lee because she says it in the song. Let's get dressed up and make a mess? Anyone who knows me knows I have a fetish for latex. The lyric that begins with "my legs are crossed", well, I'm not getting into that too deeply.
Another song, this one titled Sweet Lorraine makes me cry. I can't figure out how my sister's life got into those song lyrics, but there it is.
Tortured is another one that sometimes brings tears. I think of someone I miss deeply in SL. I know it's not "real" but I still love her and miss her always.
With the decision yet to make with Lee, I keep hearing Lord's Prayer in my head. I'm not sure that is a good omen.
No, I still haven't decided whether or not I'll be a lost soul, or if I'll belong to someone else.
Nearly every word of her song The Way You Do I can apply to my relationship with Lee. The way she watches my eyes all through a scene, or even when we eat dinner together, Colleen seems to know about it. How Lee is on my mind all the time, again Colleen has been there. I don't need to mention how my body reacts with just the thought of Lee because she says it in the song. Let's get dressed up and make a mess? Anyone who knows me knows I have a fetish for latex. The lyric that begins with "my legs are crossed", well, I'm not getting into that too deeply.
Another song, this one titled Sweet Lorraine makes me cry. I can't figure out how my sister's life got into those song lyrics, but there it is.
Tortured is another one that sometimes brings tears. I think of someone I miss deeply in SL. I know it's not "real" but I still love her and miss her always.
With the decision yet to make with Lee, I keep hearing Lord's Prayer in my head. I'm not sure that is a good omen.
No, I still haven't decided whether or not I'll be a lost soul, or if I'll belong to someone else.
Monday, September 21, 2009
There are trips and there are Trips
Another drive down to Indy left me feeling some severe subdrop today. Lee did what was probably the most intense scene we've had so far. I don't feel up to sharing the details yet, maybe not ever. Basically it involved several layers of mummification (the first of plastic wrap left me quite helpless) followed by very real and very scary breath control. She has an inflatable latex hood that has a tube in the mouth.
Lee and I don't use safewords anymore. It's a recent addition to our relationship so it still comes as a shock when I get scared and realize there's no way out; no panic button, I just have to trust.
Trust is a hard commodity to come by when all you can focus on is your next breath and hope it comes soon. The blood-rush pounding in my ears drowned out any semblance of rational thought altogether.
Obviously my trust was well placed in Lee, because I'm still here. I trust her, I love her and I want to drown myself in her personality.
She's offered me a position as a live in girl for one year. With small exceptions there would be no time of my own. As far as my personal life goes I can make it work, except for my sister (RL) and her family. They are all I have and I don't like the thought of not being there for them if they need me. As of now I haven't made the decision, but I'm still leaning towards declining this incredible opportunity.
One consideration that haunts me is..will *I* come back home after the year is up?
My dear sister Tot put words to what Lee has done to me.. Mindf*cked..
Lee and I don't use safewords anymore. It's a recent addition to our relationship so it still comes as a shock when I get scared and realize there's no way out; no panic button, I just have to trust.
Trust is a hard commodity to come by when all you can focus on is your next breath and hope it comes soon. The blood-rush pounding in my ears drowned out any semblance of rational thought altogether.
Obviously my trust was well placed in Lee, because I'm still here. I trust her, I love her and I want to drown myself in her personality.
She's offered me a position as a live in girl for one year. With small exceptions there would be no time of my own. As far as my personal life goes I can make it work, except for my sister (RL) and her family. They are all I have and I don't like the thought of not being there for them if they need me. As of now I haven't made the decision, but I'm still leaning towards declining this incredible opportunity.
One consideration that haunts me is..will *I* come back home after the year is up?
My dear sister Tot put words to what Lee has done to me.. Mindf*cked..
Thursday, September 10, 2009
How it should be done.
Last night's little encounter with a "real life" domme at the Estate has been on my mind all day. Before you say "now Shi, don't worry about her" never fear, worried I am not. At least not by that belligerent ass.
If I'm worried it's about the juxtaposition between SL and RL BDSM.
My own role as a Domme in SL is perhaps somewhat different that the norm. I try to provide the things my girls need to open up and explore their darker desires, by strong persuasion rather than brute force. In RL I tend towards the sub role more than anything. I've played both roles, if you've read here before you know I'm a switch and happily so.
My RL relationship with Lee is probably the rough outline I use to write my SL scenes from. She's a kind, strong, and willing to listen. Never shocked by anything you show an interest in, and more than willing to see you through most any experience. Sometimes much to my dismay, at least at first. ;)
But there are those dominants out there, male and female, that belittle and humiliate their subs in every situation. I always picture a drill Sergeant when I see or hear of that type.
Don't get me wrong, I know there are subs, and slaves (the two terms mean different things to me) that desperately crave this kind of attention. To them I say "more power to you sister". To each their own, or to borrow a phrase from a book I'm reading, Love as thou wilt.
What does this have to do with SL? We bring into SL one of two things: Experience, or fantasy. It's really that simple. Either you are really a nine foot tall lycan, or you fantasise about being one. Either way, in SL, you are that thing, that character, no matter what you are in RL.
My point is this: Fantasy should not be dictated by actual experience, rather experience should be sprinkled with a bit of fantasy to keep it interesting.
I've come a long way 'round to get to the real meat of this entry. In BDSM, be it fantasy or reality, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Yes, I know, safe, sane and consensual. All that means is, if you break your toys you won't have them to play with. (And I won't let you use mine either)
So enjoy what you do. If you have people willing to do it with you, then you're doing something right. If they kneel at your feet, you just might be good at it too.
If I'm worried it's about the juxtaposition between SL and RL BDSM.
My own role as a Domme in SL is perhaps somewhat different that the norm. I try to provide the things my girls need to open up and explore their darker desires, by strong persuasion rather than brute force. In RL I tend towards the sub role more than anything. I've played both roles, if you've read here before you know I'm a switch and happily so.
My RL relationship with Lee is probably the rough outline I use to write my SL scenes from. She's a kind, strong, and willing to listen. Never shocked by anything you show an interest in, and more than willing to see you through most any experience. Sometimes much to my dismay, at least at first. ;)
But there are those dominants out there, male and female, that belittle and humiliate their subs in every situation. I always picture a drill Sergeant when I see or hear of that type.
Don't get me wrong, I know there are subs, and slaves (the two terms mean different things to me) that desperately crave this kind of attention. To them I say "more power to you sister". To each their own, or to borrow a phrase from a book I'm reading, Love as thou wilt.
What does this have to do with SL? We bring into SL one of two things: Experience, or fantasy. It's really that simple. Either you are really a nine foot tall lycan, or you fantasise about being one. Either way, in SL, you are that thing, that character, no matter what you are in RL.
My point is this: Fantasy should not be dictated by actual experience, rather experience should be sprinkled with a bit of fantasy to keep it interesting.
I've come a long way 'round to get to the real meat of this entry. In BDSM, be it fantasy or reality, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Yes, I know, safe, sane and consensual. All that means is, if you break your toys you won't have them to play with. (And I won't let you use mine either)
So enjoy what you do. If you have people willing to do it with you, then you're doing something right. If they kneel at your feet, you just might be good at it too.
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