Those of you close to me, this is a warning. Pick up your toes lest they be stepped upon. I love you all but this is my blog and you read my thoughts at your own risk.
I have to remember that changes come in cascades. When one thing changes (me) it has a tumble down effect on everything around it (you). Of course the effect is cumulative, each change creates another change add infinitum.
Yes it was my RL birthday yesterday. Thank you all very much for remembering me, I'm truly touched and made happy by your love. However, I am Domme now, please show me some respect and put the paddles away. So I'm a spoilsport, I'm sorry. (Yes, there was more than one occurrence.)
In my RL there isn't allot of gift exchange going on. It's just who my family is and we all are fine with it. If I seem unappreciative please, please don't think that I am. I just don't know how to say thank you properly.
I know I made commitments, maybe promises in the past that perhaps I never fulfilled. I know I was supposed to take you shopping. The time..no..the relationship was never right. Seeing you wearing it tonight upset me. I guess I'm sorry for the lost opportunity.
I wonder why I even wrote this blog entry. Most will not get the references, and those that do won't know the real reason behind what I wrote. Rest assured, my intent is not to cast blame or hurt.
A word about jealously. I've told some that I don't understand jealousy. It might be a character flaw, or maybe I hide it from myself. Take my word though, I don't get that feeling.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Support Structure
Win's comment on my last entry along with a talk I had with Alt has made me aware that I am not alone. What is it with Banishment that takes the sub out of some of us? Is the change a lasting one? I'm still quite happy with the "new me", but are the rest of those that have changed as happy? I'm seriously considering starting a support group.
Ash and I had a strong scene together today. My RL weekend had been quite a mess, limiting our time together. I think we made up for it though. After the scene had ended, during our cuddle time, she wanted to know what it was about "all of this" that I enjoyed most. My answer didn't take much consideration. I find that what I really enjoy is giving other's what they need. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here mind you, I do indeed get something in return. It's the power exchange. It's become almost cliche', but it does happen. And the more I learn about a select few individuals the more gratifying and yes, sexually exciting, it becomes.
This isn't a new thing for me. I am a switch and have had some wonderful scenes as a top before, but recently the level of power being exchanged seems to have increased. I'm certain that my relationship with Ash has heightened that to no small degree, and it's happening with others as well.
Flashing back to my first point though, can I expect this to last? Better question; how can I make sure that it does?
Ash and I had a strong scene together today. My RL weekend had been quite a mess, limiting our time together. I think we made up for it though. After the scene had ended, during our cuddle time, she wanted to know what it was about "all of this" that I enjoyed most. My answer didn't take much consideration. I find that what I really enjoy is giving other's what they need. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr here mind you, I do indeed get something in return. It's the power exchange. It's become almost cliche', but it does happen. And the more I learn about a select few individuals the more gratifying and yes, sexually exciting, it becomes.
This isn't a new thing for me. I am a switch and have had some wonderful scenes as a top before, but recently the level of power being exchanged seems to have increased. I'm certain that my relationship with Ash has heightened that to no small degree, and it's happening with others as well.
Flashing back to my first point though, can I expect this to last? Better question; how can I make sure that it does?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
An Ending, a Beginning
I was wrong. Banishment was not the hardest thing in SL. Telling Ru that didn't want to wear the collar anymore is far worse. But it was time, and now I will move on. I'm still part of her family. I hope we don't drift apart, but perhaps we will, little by little. Even if that does happen I know I will always be loved by them, by Her.
To my sisters and friends that are just learning of this here, I apologize. Ru and I will make an announcement, but I needed to blog this while the emotions are still wreaking havoc within me.
It should come as no surprise that Ashelia has been submissive to me for awhile now. She offered me her collar and I took it, making her mine. She and I match quite well. I met her.. kidnapped really, at Ralf's one day. I put her and two other girls through a test, making them search blindfolded. She showed both spirit and charm and put a spell on me right then. Ever since I have enjoyed learning with her and even just talking. I hope to be the Mistress she needs. I certainly will try to pass along everything Ru has taught me.
To my sisters and friends that are just learning of this here, I apologize. Ru and I will make an announcement, but I needed to blog this while the emotions are still wreaking havoc within me.
It should come as no surprise that Ashelia has been submissive to me for awhile now. She offered me her collar and I took it, making her mine. She and I match quite well. I met her.. kidnapped really, at Ralf's one day. I put her and two other girls through a test, making them search blindfolded. She showed both spirit and charm and put a spell on me right then. Ever since I have enjoyed learning with her and even just talking. I hope to be the Mistress she needs. I certainly will try to pass along everything Ru has taught me.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A New Day Dawns
And with it come changes. Submissive Shi is all but gone. Domme Shi is opening like a new rose. Is this a permanent change? Isn't the phrase "permanent change" an oxymoron anyhow? I didn't see this coming. Hindsight being 20/20 perhaps I should have. Playing the dominant role has gotten more and more fulfilling, while finding happiness as a sub has become elusive.
I keep looking at the above paragraph and rereading it, wondering who it may hurt, who it may shock. Idoru, to be sure will be affected by it. I don't know what this change will cause in our relationship. But then I read it again and I know that there are some that will be made happy by this change in direction.
Am I all Domme now? I hardly think so. I'll continue to test my limits and myself. Once a switch always a switch I think. A dear friend told me only today that she came to SL never expecting to be collared, yet now she is. I had to smile. Back when Shibari was younger she said almost the same thing. Those close to me will remember "never to own or be owned".
We change, it cannot be helped. We can only strive to make those changes for the better.
As a side note, I have been getting some feedback from this blog. Thank you to all who have left comments and to those that have pulled me aside to tell me your thoughts within SL. Alt especially, for your sharing of a sunset with a lonely bane caused ripples in my pond that have made me a very happy person.
I keep looking at the above paragraph and rereading it, wondering who it may hurt, who it may shock. Idoru, to be sure will be affected by it. I don't know what this change will cause in our relationship. But then I read it again and I know that there are some that will be made happy by this change in direction.
Am I all Domme now? I hardly think so. I'll continue to test my limits and myself. Once a switch always a switch I think. A dear friend told me only today that she came to SL never expecting to be collared, yet now she is. I had to smile. Back when Shibari was younger she said almost the same thing. Those close to me will remember "never to own or be owned".
We change, it cannot be helped. We can only strive to make those changes for the better.
As a side note, I have been getting some feedback from this blog. Thank you to all who have left comments and to those that have pulled me aside to tell me your thoughts within SL. Alt especially, for your sharing of a sunset with a lonely bane caused ripples in my pond that have made me a very happy person.
Friday, May 22, 2009
After Action Report
Yes I'm free of the Custodian, the helmet and the banesuit. But am I free of S-5876?
If you are considering Banishment (and I speak of the Kelly Technologies program because that's the one I know about) make sure you think about it carefully. If you take roleplay seriously, and you get yourself into your AV, then Banishment will effect you. And I mean YOU, not your AV. IT also has effects on those close to you. They will hurt, be lonely, be worried and afraid for you. You have to be prepared to deal with them as well. Of course, it would help if they were prepared to deal with all of the relationship chaos you are about to drag them through, but then it might dilute the experience. I said it before though, if you test your friends, they will fail.
So there are after effects to deal with. Shibari is shy, scared to get too close to people. She's more comfortable when there is some distance between her and the people around her, and she doesn't want her back to the wall. Is this RP? Yes, of course, but I RP what feels right to me.
Someone asked me if I would do it again.. I can't honestly answer that, at least not right now. It's is the single most powerful thing I have done in SL, and I don't see a way t top it.
For those of you that read the story, no, I didn't find my Eudaemon. I'm not disappointed though. I know it doesn't always happen, and I know that I didn't spend nearly enough time as a bane for it to even start.
So now I will rebuild Shibari's broken Id, and learn from it. Hopefully I will be asked to be an Operator myself, but we'll see.
If you are considering Banishment (and I speak of the Kelly Technologies program because that's the one I know about) make sure you think about it carefully. If you take roleplay seriously, and you get yourself into your AV, then Banishment will effect you. And I mean YOU, not your AV. IT also has effects on those close to you. They will hurt, be lonely, be worried and afraid for you. You have to be prepared to deal with them as well. Of course, it would help if they were prepared to deal with all of the relationship chaos you are about to drag them through, but then it might dilute the experience. I said it before though, if you test your friends, they will fail.
So there are after effects to deal with. Shibari is shy, scared to get too close to people. She's more comfortable when there is some distance between her and the people around her, and she doesn't want her back to the wall. Is this RP? Yes, of course, but I RP what feels right to me.
Someone asked me if I would do it again.. I can't honestly answer that, at least not right now. It's is the single most powerful thing I have done in SL, and I don't see a way t top it.
For those of you that read the story, no, I didn't find my Eudaemon. I'm not disappointed though. I know it doesn't always happen, and I know that I didn't spend nearly enough time as a bane for it to even start.
So now I will rebuild Shibari's broken Id, and learn from it. Hopefully I will be asked to be an Operator myself, but we'll see.
Freedom?
My Operator summons me and I comply. I'm afraid to upset her as much as I am afraid of her. She's not alone, but she doesn't turn off the Custodian. Something feels wrong and I am very scared. Win plays with her controller and something clicks inside my helmet. She attaches the vox and tells me that my sentence is nearly up, but that I have incurred some infractions since my last weekly update. Infractions that could lead to more time. Inside my head I am shrieking, torn between tackling her and running away. I think had it been just a few weeks ago I would have done one or the other, but maybe being a Bane has taught me some self control. I just stand there, mute and staring. I can see her making some calculations. Then she smiles at me, but it's not a pleasant smile. She informs me that I should have about one more week (4 hours of SL time). Struggling hard with myself I keep calm, say nothing. Then with a wicked laugh she unlocks the helmet and cool air, real air washes over my skin for the first time in so long. I'm free, or soon will be!
*Fast forward*
Back at my home Jesse and Ashelia are waiting for me. Their kind intentions to hold me and comfort me are so hard to take. All I want to do is run away and hide, run back to that park and cower in my corner.
Later, so many people. All are happy to see me, and I am happy to be with them again too, but it's so intense that I have to stay away. I know they are worried but I can't comfort them, I can barely speak at all.
I'll be fine.. I'll be me again, soon I think...
*Fast forward*
Back at my home Jesse and Ashelia are waiting for me. Their kind intentions to hold me and comfort me are so hard to take. All I want to do is run away and hide, run back to that park and cower in my corner.
Later, so many people. All are happy to see me, and I am happy to be with them again too, but it's so intense that I have to stay away. I know they are worried but I can't comfort them, I can barely speak at all.
I'll be fine.. I'll be me again, soon I think...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Cruelty
I knew it was a mistake as soon as I tried to make contact. But I had to try, I thought that any contact with a human would be better than this isolation. I even thought I had an excuse. I'm still certain that the bitch...the Custodian.. made a mistake, a malfunction. Why else would I be forced to do maintenance twice in the same day, within hours.
So I did what I had been told to do only in an emergency. I contacted my Operator. Right from the start I knew she was mad. She berated me even before she hooked the vox up to the helmet, before I could even plead my case. Once I could speak again I stuttered and stammered through my excuse. I could see that it was making her more and more angry with me. I'm not human, therefor just another annoyance to her busy day.
She didn't care what I had to say. She ignored my fear and simply, in a cool and professional tone, told me I was going to be punished for contacting her. Without even looking at the control box that she carries she touched a series of buttons. Suddenly I can barely see. My world looks like a poorly tuned in TV show from the days of antennas. Static we used to call it, and now it's my entire world.
Before I can even beg for mercy she rips the vox from me and physically shoves me out into the street again. As I run away I hear her reset the Custodian, making me unable to approach humans again. I'm quite sure I can hear her laughing too, though that may be my imagination. Imagined or not, I know I'm not like her, I'm not human. I'm something less. I am S-5876, a bane.
So I did what I had been told to do only in an emergency. I contacted my Operator. Right from the start I knew she was mad. She berated me even before she hooked the vox up to the helmet, before I could even plead my case. Once I could speak again I stuttered and stammered through my excuse. I could see that it was making her more and more angry with me. I'm not human, therefor just another annoyance to her busy day.
She didn't care what I had to say. She ignored my fear and simply, in a cool and professional tone, told me I was going to be punished for contacting her. Without even looking at the control box that she carries she touched a series of buttons. Suddenly I can barely see. My world looks like a poorly tuned in TV show from the days of antennas. Static we used to call it, and now it's my entire world.
Before I can even beg for mercy she rips the vox from me and physically shoves me out into the street again. As I run away I hear her reset the Custodian, making me unable to approach humans again. I'm quite sure I can hear her laughing too, though that may be my imagination. Imagined or not, I know I'm not like her, I'm not human. I'm something less. I am S-5876, a bane.
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